So I’m watching this guilty pleasure Lifetime movie right now (don’t judge, hey it’s not the Hallmark channel) based on true events where this wife cheated on her marine husband and the mister (what do you call the opposite of a mistress?) ended up killing this woman because she was preggo with his kid. Oh yeah, the mister was married too.
Scandalous.
Murder mystery aside, what struck me most was earlier in the movie when marine dude first finds out his wife was cheating on him he forgave her. He also forgave the mister.
How the fuck did he do that?
Emotions run extremely high in a situation like that and how this man put those feelings aside to embrace forgiveness is quite astounding. He said he could have beat the mister to a pulp but then he’d be the bad guy, and that wasn’t him.
No one would fucking blame him. But I admire him taking the high road. The low road tends to lead nowhere anyway.
We aren’t perfect. As Alexander Pope said in his famous quote, we err. We all fuck up sometimes and hurt people.
Then hopefully people forgive us.
But for me, when I get hurt I’m not so quick to forgive. I need to work on that, like a lot. This low road shit only keeps you feeling…low.
But all these forgiving thoughts now swirling around in my head have made me think of the forgiveness that is hardest to give–to yourself.
I also really need to work on that. Like a lot.
Even if someone I’ve wronged has forgiven me and all should be good in the hood, I will still have trouble forgiving myself. Trouble forgiving the mountainous things I did years ago and also the molehillish things I may have done just the other day.
Why do we punish ourselves so much?
Maybe it’s just me.
It’s part of not being able to let go. It’s feeling you’re not worthy enough to let go of self-imposed punishment that lives in the wake of seemingly undeserved forgiveness.
I previously wrote about letting go of things that don’t serve you. Not forgiving yourself doesn’t serve you. Yet some of us still do it, yours truly at the top of the list.
You are your own worst enemy. Age old sayings last through the ages because they hold true.
How can you have room in your heart and soul and mind for love, peace and kindness when it’s filled with so much clutter from your self-hate?
You can’t.
Spring is here, well in a couple weeks. Spring cleaning time. Time to sweep away the layers and layers of self-hate dust. But how to do that?
Ask people’s forgiveness? Been there done that. Actually received that. Still isn’t enough.
Why?
Because I’m looking in the wrong place. No one or no thing on the outside can give me absolution.
I have to start looking within.
And that starts with acceptance. Accepting the fact that we are flawed human beings. Accepting that we all have fucked up at times, and I’ll put everything on red that we are for sure gonna fuck up in the future. We will do good, hopefully great things and we will also do bad, hopefully not too disastrous things.
But all these things are part of the big thing–growth. And that folks is why we are all here.
You can’t learn and grow from a place of stagnation. And when you don’t forgive yourself you stay stagnant in the past. But we get so accustomed to feeling certain ways that they become ingrained in our psyche, even if they aren’t good for us.
I take bizarre comfort in punishing myself. I mentally beat myself up all the time because it’s my own fucked up way of atoning. Self-hate is a real bitch.
What if I just accepted that I’m human? That I make mistakes? Why can’t I just feel bad for those mistakes, apologize and move on? What a concept!
So it’s time for a change. Change is uncomfortable. But change is the only way to grow.
Atoning, apologizing and recognizing your wrongs is good. Wasting years of your life with self-hate is not. Those that have passed before us don’t want that for us. If you died would you want to look down on your loved ones and see them continually punishing themselves?
No you wouldn’t. You’d want them to be happy and thrive. We do a disservice to those watching over us by living in this fucked up low-road mindset.
Of course all this is easier said than done. But hopefully you’re now aware of it, if you’re like me, a perpetual self-unforgiver.
The Universe sends you signs. Why did I watch this movie today and why did it strike me so? Because I think I need it. I’ve felt regretful over certain behaviors I’ve exhibited this past year, these past few weeks even. I make excuses like “I’ve been hurt”, “I’ve been wronged”, “I’m a tortured soul.”
Where has all that gotten me?
Nowhere. The final destination of all low roads.
Hey there’s always gonna be people who hurt you and a lot of them won’t apologize or won’t even care. Unselfaware assholes.
And I hate to break it to you, but in the hopefully long life you live from this day forward, you’re gonna hurt some people too. Hopefully you’re not an asshole about it.
So if you’re not a total asshole, take a lesson from Mr. Marine. Take it easy on others and yourself. Make space in that cluttered trunk of your mind, pack up some self-love and go on a high road trip–towards forgiveness.
❤️
CM
3/24/23
(That’s not a typo, I wrote most of this post a year ago. Some topics are harder to revisit than others.)
