We’re all in it, the Suffering.
That’s what I’ve named this thing called the human experience. Sounds awful right? It’s not. The Suffering is a gift, a wonderful gift. And even on the hard days, I am thankful that I am still here on this earth to experience it.
If you believe in souls, spirits, past lives, etc. then you probably agree with the saying that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.
I only call this human experience The Suffering because compared to the place we go to when we die (many people call it heaven, I haven’t come up with a term I like yet) The Suffering is at the least difficult and at the most literally unbearable. Unfortunately, this human experience can be filled with hate, torment, disaster and tragedy.
When we die however, I believe there is none of that. We go to a place of peace, happiness, love and understanding. That place, Heaven, the afterlife, the other side, whatever you want to call it is the non-suffering.
So why is this human experience filled with so much hurt and anguish? Because it is the way our souls learn and grow. And that’s the whole point of being here.
Now you’re probably saying what, people who don’t suffer learn nothing? No, we all are learning all the time, just in different ways and in our own unique set of circumstances. Pain and suffering is relative.
Don’t you just look at some people who seem to “have it all” and go what the fuck? Those lucky bastards! They have it so easy and aren’t suffering at all! Must mean they’re learning nothing at all.
Not true.
Even if on the outside they seem to have a perfect life and their complaints seem so petty to you, you truly never know what a person is going through and how much pain they’ve had to endure.
My completely-based-on-nothing-but-my-own-crazy-brain theory is that if they are now enjoying a lifetime without too much hardship, then maybe this time around is their respite. Maybe their previous life was fraught with so much adversity and heartache that the Universe said hey this time around, sit back, put your feet up and take a break.
Souls need rest too. But learning still occurs, that never stops.
If however for you, this time around feels like an unending barrage of pain, disappointments and gloom, where you’re constantly saying “what the fuck else can happen”, then this lifetime might just be the one where you’re destined to experience more hardship than your lucky friend.
Life isn’t fair you say. But actually it is.
You can’t just take into account what’s happening in this lifetime. Our souls are a composition of the events of many lifetimes.
We all take a turn on the Lazy River ride of happiness in one lifetime and on the Tilt-A-Whirl ride of fuck this shit in another. How can you know joy without sorrow, loneliness without togetherness and self-awareness without obliviousness?
“Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?” – John Keats.
Makes me think of Dead Poets Society, Robin Williams as John Keating. Definitely in my top five all time favorite movies. You 1000% must see it if you haven’t.
Carpe Diem people!
I was oblivious. We all are when we’re younger. I am thankful for the tragedies and heartaches that have befallen me because they woke me up. I didn’t realize how asleep I was.
I was mindlessly bouncing through life, worrying about meaningless stuff you shouldn’t waste your time worrying about. Banal things like the crucial dilemma of what to wear out on a Saturday night.
What will people think of what I’m wearing? What do I think of what I’m wearing? Does this make me look fat? I have nothing to wear. I need new clothes. I shouldn’t waste my money on buying a new shirt. But it’s soooooo important. I really need that new shirt.
No I didn’t.
Stupid shit like that.
Who cares what you wear.
There are infinitely more important things to spend your time thinking about. It took a lot of pain to put shit like that in perspective. Otherwise I’d just be blissfully hopping along in my new clothes not giving any thought to the meaningful things that do deserve my worry and attention.
So oblivious. So un-self-aware I was.
So I started thinking about life more abstractly and thought what the hell am I doing here? What is my place and purpose in this fucked up world?
We all have a place and a purpose in The Suffering. (Not sure I have an answer for mine yet, but I’m working on it.) Do you know yours?
I was also lonely. Growing up I was shy and had few if any friends. Loneliness is good mental aerobics when your thoughts are your only companions.
I felt sorry for myself. Felt no one could understand me, felt no one wanted to. So self-defeating. Several years of bad circumstances because of bad people didn’t help either.
Nothing like a little mental, verbal and emotional abuse to destroy your sense of self.
Not in the mood right now to rehash all that mess to you. To be continued.
Anyway, I grew up, found some self-esteem lying around, picked it up and carried it with me on my way to finding friends and opening up. I found togetherness. Not sure how I did all that exactly. Time, maturity (haha, yeah right), finally giving zero fucks about how others perceive me? I dunno.
I’m still alone at times, but no longer lonely.
And then I was beleaguered with crushing heartache. Tends to happen when you’re a suicide survivor.
No, not in the way you’re thinking. I’ve never tried to take my own life. But I did have someone very close to my heart who did. I somehow survived their suicide without contemplating my own along the way.
I sure as hell passively tried to kill myself by smoking every cigarette and drinking every shot of whiskey I could find. Not sure how I got away with that with relative good health still intact. Someone was watching over me and my liver I guess.
My loved one’s death put me into a darkness I didn’t know was possible. Like going on one of those cave tours where once you’re down at the bottom they turn the lights off and you literally can’t see your hand in front of your face. And you most certainly can’t see your way out.
I was stuck in a cave of agony–heartsick, despondent, confused, and yes angry too, very angry. At him, myself, the Universe. What kind of fucked up world is this if stuff like this is allowed to happen? And most importantly, why?
Why did he do it? Why did he take such drastic action leaving a mess of tears and despair in his wake? Didn’t he know how much pain he would cause?
So many people in the weeks and months after came up to me expressing their condolences along with their regrets and their what ifs. What if they had said something different to him or just plain said more? What if they had done something different or just plain did more?
Of course, I thought the exact same things.
(”Maybe I should have given you a reason to stay.” – Death Cab for Cutie. Sorry, that song lyric just popped in my head.)
Hindsight is a bitch.
But as time passed and I stopped feeling like the slightest breeze would make me crumble into a million pieces, I started to learn the answers to those questions.
I realized it wasn’t about me and his friends and family and what we all regretted that we did or didn’t do, should have or shouldn’t have done–the what ifs. None of that mattered.
It was all about him, his life, his choice.
His choice alone.
Now some people believe if you commit suicide you’re doomed to spend eternity in hell. Yeah, I’m not buying that. Completely my opinion of course. Maybe you do believe some people go to hell when they die. Maybe you believe they get reincarnated as a cat. Maybe you believe nothing at all happens. More power to you.
That’s what’s great about life, we can all believe what we want.
For the record, this entire writing is not meant to be a persuasion piece. This is just what I personally believe and what I’ve been thinking about lately so I decided to write it down and share it with you, either to your liking or to your complete and utter horror. Take it as you wish. I don’t judge. I have no room to. Actually, no one ever is allotted any room whatsoever to judge anyone.
I especially can’t judge people who feel they can no longer live with their suffering and decide to take the early exit.
I learned that instead of judging, I needed to look at things from a place of compassion. I learned that what I needed to do was to see his point of view. In doing that, I began to understand that he just simply could not bear this human existence any longer. His inner pain was too great for him to continue to endure everyday life and too unfathomable for the rest of us to ever comprehend.
It wasn’t an action against us but an action for himself–a release for his soul. We just happened to be the casualties.
We don’t have that much power to keep someone here, or to make them leave. It is all their decision.
But we tell ourselves it was our fault because it gives us a sense of control. How can we go through life thinking random things like this can just happen? What kind of insane, uncontrolled chaos do we live in? Scary.
So we tell ourselves we are responsible. If you ask me, that line of thinking is fucked up but I get it…now. I know, I’ve been on both sides of the fault line.
Who’s fault is it anyway? It’s got to be someone’s. I thought it was mine.
Well guess what, it’s all his.
But I no longer begrudge him. Now I don’t feel this way to absolve myself of guilt. I’ll always feel guilty, but guilty for my own actions, or more precisely, my own inactions.
I didn’t express my heart enough. Not that I think doing so would have changed things. I am at fault for how my inaction affected our relationship. Lesson learned. Could that have contributed to his pain? Obviously, yes. But was it the cause of his desperate act?
Heaviest cross I ever had to bear.
But I had to leave that place of being suffocated by feelings of gut-wrenching guilt. I had to let go of the despair in thinking that I somehow contributed to someone’s death. I had to move toward a more logical way of thinking.
I’ve theorized all this as a way to just try and make sense of something that initially was so nonsensical to me. Who the fuck kills themselves? Like who actually does that? How fucking bad can it be, geez!
But for those who successfully do it, it is that bad. His pain was on a level that I don’t think I could ever imagine. How can you know the depths of someone’s pain when they don’t show or tell you? When they don’t show or tell anyone?
I had to try and understand all that so I could go on with some semblance of a normal life, a life where pain doesn’t walk hand in hand with me everywhere I go, where tragedy doesn’t define me.
It’s part of me now, but it didn’t break me.
Came close as shit I’ll tell you that.
But after I let the tsunami of emotions wash over me and the feelings settle, I started to really think about his death from a different perspective.
The soul perspective. And that has helped me survive, with my capacity for empathy and love still intact and not left at the rock bottom of a cave or the glass bottom of a whiskey bottle.
Doesn’t change the fact that even though I think I understand now, doesn’t mean I don’t wish he would have decided to take another route, any other route, except the most permanent one to relieve his pain. A pain I wish I had had the cure for.
I feel bad that he is missing out on more of this human experience and any lessons he would have learned if he had stuck around. “Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions any good learner would not miss.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.
He will find both the good and bad times again in another lifetime though and we all will be with him. I think also maybe it was just time for his soul to move on even though we all wish like hell it wasn’t. He could have already accomplished his soul’s purpose in this lifetime unbeknownst to his human self and all of us.
I’ve also heard the theory that sometimes souls sacrifice themselves so those of us left here are able to grow more by their departure. We’ll never know for sure. I do know in my heart that he is okay now because he is in that place where only peace, happiness and love exist. And that’s all he wants for all of us.
Now don’t get me wrong, these pages of my verbal vomit are in no way a suicide public awareness message. I’m not gonna list some bullshit hotline number to call if you’re worried about someone. Harsh as it may sound, I don’t feel you can change it. I know that comes off as completely awful and heartless but if someone really, truly, 100% wants to do it, they will.
Maybe my experience has left me a tad bit jaded. Now if you do know someone who has threatened to take their own life, just so you know I absolutely am not saying just say fuck ’em and kick them to the curb.
Don’t be a honey badger – do give a shit.
The thing is we don’t know who the people are who will 100% without a doubt do it until they do it. Quite the pickle.
All we can do is be responsible for our own actions. Tell people you’re there for them, that you care. That the suffering is worth sticking around for. That sometimes you don’t see the lessons of all this struggle and strife until way later, sometimes years.
But it always gets better. Always.
Hopefully, if it indeed is not their time to go, maybe they will listen to you and change their own mind. Or possibly divine intervention will step in and stop them because their learning is unfinished and their purpose not yet realized. The Universe knows they need more time. I know a couple people like this, who’ve skirted death. Despite their best efforts to try and leave this Earth, the Universe had other plans.
A lesson for them and for us.
Thank God because I don’t want to know more of a life without my dearest friends and family in it.
Been there, doing that.
So this is the story of my suffering to date. Well, a brief synopsis of some of the highlights. More like lowlights.
Had a lot of other bad shit happen that should have destroyed me. It almost did, but I’ll save all that for another time. How much can happen to one person right?
But I no longer say that. I say bring it on Universe, what else ya got?
I’ve come out stronger and happier than ever so far. I don’t lament these heartaches. They were meant to happen. I have felt bad, sad, mad. I’ve felt all the emotions and completely immersed myself in them at times, but eventually I moved on.
You don’t realize it at the time when you’re in the midst of complete despair but once you get through it, you see that tragedies are just bumps, mountains even, on your lifepath. Some are so bad you want to get off the lifepath altogether.
“If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark. I don’t know who that guy is, but he makes a good point.
It can be a rather long, arduous path, but you have to see it through to the end. And you can’t assume the rest is gonna be shit just because the path got difficult to traverse at times. You know what assuming does. You have to keep going and see what else the Universe has in store for you.
And don’t compare your path to others. Yours is unique to you and how you decide to navigate it is what makes you special. I know there is probably a lot more tragedy and struggle in store for me in the future. That’s just life.
But even heartache is a wonderful thing as it gives you at least two of the greatest gifts–appreciation and wisdom. It teaches you to appreciate the beauty in the good things and the wisdom to see the beauty in the bad things.
Heartache has also taught me that time and people are the most important things in life. Respect and appreciate them both. Take the time to tell your friends and family you love them. Or at least like them a whole lot.
So to my friends and family, I hope you know how much I truly care. And I thank you everyday for being a part of my lifepath as fucked up as it is.
“There is no path to happiness. Happiness is the path.” – Buddha.
I hope you can find the happiness that already is your lifepath. Hey, you’re still here, that’s half the battle. Be grateful. And if you’re doing okay try and help others who have maybe lost their way.
We’re all in this fucked up mess together. Help a bro out once in a while.
Try to find love and gratitude for yourself and others in this Suffering for the betterment of your soul.
Because that’s the whole fucking point.
And to those who have already gone, I miss you, but I’ll see you again on the other side.
CM
9/10/20
