The Marvelous Ms. Slowsky

Remember those Geiko commercials that had the turtles named the Slowskys?  They’re gold.  Don’t remember?  Look it up.

Done?  Okay, now we can go on. 

The Slowskys, they’re on their own time just like my computer is right now, just like the computers at work – sloooooooow.  Did I say slooooooow?  Cause I meant slooooooow. 

Like a sloth is literally faster, yep, literally. (I just looked up a video on sloths and I can now officially say yes, sloths are faster and fucking cute as shit.  Did you know the noises they make are the cutest thing in the history of cute?  Me either.  Trying to link this sloth video I just found but my computer is laughing at me.  Anyway, please look up sloth sounds, then come back and read the rest of this.) 

I could write a novel about how slow our computers at work are.  Funny, they’re the name of another animal, Squirrel.  Yep, our POS (Point of Sale system or Piece of Shit as we fondly refer to it aka it takes ten solid minutes to authorize a credit card) is named Squirrel.  Oh you work in the restaurant business and still haven’t heard of Squirrel?  Don’t worry, no one has.  Don’t look at me!  I didn’t pick that name! 

Odd because squirrels are actually quick.  Our computer system should be named Turtle.  

Anyway, distracted by animal names there.  Yeah, I can relate to Ms. Slowsky.  I can be a turtle.  Not in the slow physically moving sense.  Just in the I take my time with things sense like organizing my thoughts and making decisions. 

My mom would agree as I was born two weeks late.  Back then they used to let you stay in as long as you wanted, to marinate I guess.  Oh shit you’re one week past your due date?  Wait, ten days?  Now two weeks!  Eh, nevermind, she’ll come out eventually .  Gotta love doctors in the ‘70s.  So was the thinking back in the day.  I back it.  They weren’t wrong.  I say keep you in rather than force you out if you’re not ready (extenuating circumstances aside obviously). 

Of course I say all that because I’m a turtle, sometimes.  Okay, okay *cringe* a lot of times.  Just like our friend Ms. Slowsky.  Don’t force her out of her shell bro! 

Then again, I think she secretly kinda wants you to.  Like a lot wants you to. 

But she’ll never say it.  She has the reputation of her shell to keep intact and all.  Ego intact is more like it.  Maybe if you ask her 114 more times to open up she’ll actually believe you really want to see her out of her shell, the real her. 

Until then, retreat it is.  It’s cozy in the shell, marvelously safe. 

Yeah, turtleness is the opposite of Tony Danzaing.  She’s her own worst hypocrite. 

But turtles will come out at odd times, when you least expect it, when they think it’s worth it.  Then, when perceived danger is looming, they retreat again.  Danger could mean your words, your touch, your concern.  You never know.  What minute is it?  Yeah, that turtle may have been all out of her shell yesterday, but today is a new day. 

So elusive that Ms. Slowsky.  Not sure why?  Neither is she.

Why some days does a turtle poke their head out and some days, weeks, months, stay in hiding?  In safety?  No one knows. 

The planets are aligned weird? 

It’s a month that has 28 days? 

It’s a day that ends in “Y”? 

The last person that tapped on her shell and made her feel safe to come out fucked her over? 

Yeah planets and all maybe, that last one though, yeah bet on that one.  

Oh, you’re a shell tapper and you’re not scary?  You actually have good intentions?  Maybe she’ll come out now, at least consider it.  Most of her innate retreat most likely has nothing to do with you anyway. 

But wait, how can Ms. Slowsky trust that you won’t make her into snapper soup? 

She can’t.  There’s no guarantee.  Never is. 

She can only take your word.  Ha!  Your word, yeah right.  What is your word worth?  Hmm…what day is it?  What minute is it? 

Wait…who’s word is it?

Or…or…big OR here…is she that fucking scared that this one hand reaching out to her is one that she could actually trust?  What if that were true–that this hand is trustworthy? 

Where the fuck is the plate emoji when you need it?  Oh I know, in the bottom of the last drink you just had Ms. Slowsky.  Never too slow to belly up to the bar are you?

That’s the ultimate scary point–trusting the person tapping on your shell. Trusting that they really do give a shit.  Hey, this person is at least tapping, checking if you’re still alive. At least checking that your will to live is still alive. 

A lot of people would just leave the turtle alone. 

So when the tapping on my shell, I mean *ahem* on Ms. Slowsky’s shell starts she…drum roll please…you guessed it…

she runs, well hides actually since she can’t really jog much less run.  Hello, she’s a turtle.  Stay with me here people. 

(And obviously this whole writing is about a friend of a friend of a friend of mine and not moi *me looking the other way.) 

Is our shell-loving Ms. Slowsky really that scared that the someone asking her if she’s okay genuinely just wants to know how she is?  That this someone actually really does *gasp care?  Oh the horror. 

Yes.  Yes she is.

So trust or retreat?  Trust or retreat?  Back and forth, flip flop, flip flop.  What to believe?  What to do?

Go to bed Christine, I mean, Ms. Slowsky.  Right now, go to bed.  Venture out of your shell tomorrow, maybe. 

Hopefully?  The will is there.  I think?  I mean, she thinks. 

Flip flop, flip flop. 

Maybe the bathroom needs to be cleaned first.  Spoken like a true procrastinator. 

Or maybe I should just finally poke my fucking scared little head out.

CM

12/13/22