So I went to a funeral yesterday for the mother of a dear friend of mine. I saw a lot of shit that I feel I need to get off my chest.
A. Funerals suck
Not something anyone wants to go to. Except those weird people that are funeral goers. You know the type, they will go to anyone’s funeral. Oh your hairdresser’s aunt’s accountant died? They go. I don’t get that. Maybe they just go for the free food, oversized purse at the ready for confiscating some extra dinner rolls.
Anyway, this funeral I went to was extra sucky. I had like an anxiety attack the whole time I was in the church. Going through the “receiving” line (not sure what you call it) in the beginning when you go up and say hi to the family was rough.
I remember being on the other side of that line years ago. All that heartache came flooding back.
I started wringing my hands super hard. I remembered doing that years ago. Yesterday was a Catholic mass so I had to sit there (I mean sit/stand/kneel) for an hour wringing my hands, feeling my heart race, thinking how long ago it was that I was the receiving line person, yet how it also didn’t feel long ago at all. All those feelings transported me back to that awful day.
So I endured the mass even though the whole time I felt like the walls were closing in on me. Yet also feeling like I wasn’t there at all. I felt nauseous, nervous, anxious. I just wanted to run out the door before I suffocated.
This funeral had a lot of the same people that were at The Funeral. I kept thinking “I know the last time I was at a funeral with all these same people” and the flashbacks started.
My mind uncontrollably sending me glimpses of that awful day.
I had to sweep those images away every time I said hello to someone.
Then I’d walk away and the images blew back in like trying to sweep leaves out your front door on a windy day.
Then, obviously not talking to anyone during the actual service, I just sat there (excuse me, sat, stood, kneeled). Me alone in a room full of people…
with my horrible flashbacks…
for an hour.
Somehow I made it through. But yeah, that was tough. PTSD at its finest.
So yeah, funerals suck.
B. Funerals extra suck for people with social anxiety
Besides all the PTSD stuff, I do have some pretty bad social anxiety. I don’t feel normal in a big group of people that I need to interact with, say hi to and have conversations with, especially people I haven’t seen in a long time. My mom is so good at doing that.
I on the other hand feel like a shy 5 year old. So what did I do?
At the luncheon I hid and sat on the couch by the coat room. Yep, sure as fuck did.
I didn’t sit at a table, didn’t eat, didn’t do any of that normal person stuff. Who can eat when your stomach is in a ball of knots anyway?
I had a cohort though who gets it (social anxiety that is), and he sat with me so I was thankful not to be completely alone in my weirdness. Sometimes I can fake it. That day was not the day.
Will this social anxiety ever leave me? Probably not. I can cover it up sometimes, but other times, well, shit’s just overwhelming.
So yeah, funerals suck.
C. Seeing people you haven’t seen in a long time aka years is weird
Social anxiety aside aka “what the fuck do I say to this person who I haven’t talked to since 2004”, it’s weird how people come in and out your life; how you can have a phase in your life where you talk to someone all the time, everyday even, then poof, they’re gone.
Maybe they got married, had kids, moved away.
Maybe the friendship/relationship/knowingship just fell off and withered away only to be replaced by new people you now talk to everyday. I’ve had many cycles of people like that in my life. I’m thankful for those people (well, most of them).
Sometimes that’s just what happens–certain people are meant to be in your life for only a certain period of time.
Just seeing some of those people at the funeral reminded me of all the different cycles of people that have been a part of my life in the past and it made me think of who will be in the cycles to come.
I also took a step back and noticed the people who have never cycled out at all.
They have been in my life for 20+ years. Beyond thankful for that. Something to be said for us being in each other’s lives for that long. It’s something to cherish.
I also looked at some of my current-cycle people who I may have not yet known quite that long and thought I know some of these people will never become cycle-outers. You can just tell who’s gonna be a lifelong knowingship.
People and time = the most important things in life.
So yeah funerals suck, but they remind you of what’s important.
D. Religion is weird
I mean I only really know about Catholic stuff having been subjected to that the most, so I guess I amend that statement to say Catholicism is weird. I mean there’s so many rules and pomp and circumstance and just a lot of stuff going on. And people just go along with it. I go, why?
Did they choose to follow the Catholic religion of their own accord or are they Catholic just because that’s what their parents did and their parents did and so on? I hope for the majority it’s the former but I doubt it. You want to sit/stand/kneel for an hour be my guest. I just can’t get down with that.
Can’t get down with the inevitable condemnation to Hell either if God forbid you commit a sin.
Also can’t get down with a religion that doesn’t believe in reincarnation either. But hey, whatever floats your boat.
I will say there’s a lot to look at in a Catholic church. The intricate stained glass, the ornate architecture, the candles and statues everywhere. It’s entertaining scenery when you’re not listening to what the priest is saying.
Intimidating also. I’m sure that’s kinda the point.
Hey, I believe in some kind of higher power so I get the intimidation factor, but in my world the higher power is less…scary and doesn’t care if you sit, stand, kneel, lie down, or even do cartwheels. Just my humble opinion of the opinions of a higher power.
But different people believing in different things makes the world go around.
So yeah funerals suck but when it comes to religion, to each their own.
E. It’s amazing to see people coming together
Seeing the collective group of my friends and family (and friends who I consider family) all in the same place to support our friend in his time of need was beyond touching. I was proud to be a part of it, part of a group that stands by each other, truly cares about each other. Yeah, we may fight and not get along at times, that’s normal.
But when shit gets real and one of us needs support (or help home after a drunken night at the bar) we are there. I’m thankful to know these people.
I never had that until I came to this crazy town over 20 years ago. Never had that sense of belonging. Social anxiety will do that to you.
But these people accept my social anxiety, and I accept their various neuroses, oddities and overall wackiness. We are a land of misfit toys, yet we all fit in.
And when one of us toys breaks, the rest are there to put the pieces back together.
Lucky as fuck we all are.
So yeah funerals suck, but family (however you define it) is _______ (well damn, I have no word here. It’s so special I feel like there isn’t a word special enough). Feel free to fill in the blank yourself.
F. The best thing from this funeral wasn’t an observation exactly, but something I heard–Jeezit
What’s a Jeezit you ask? It’s the wafer thing they give out at Catholic mass.
It’s Jesus’ cheez-it!
Have to credit a good friend of mine for that one. And have to thank him for giving us a laugh on a day where we all needed it.
So yeah, funerals suck and I probably think too much about random observations. But this is how my brain works.
Next time you’re at a funeral (hopefully you won’t be any time soon) stop and take a look. Of course we celebrate the life of the person that passed, but we can also learn something.
My friend’s mother taught me a lot. To her I say thank you. A great, great lady who told it like it was and pulled no punches.
This little writing is me taking a page from her great book of wisdom and telling it like it is, or at least how I observe it. Thank you Mrs. M.
❤️
CM
2/18/22
