Who can I talk to? As much as I like being alone, times like now I just want to talk to someone. Not sure who or about what. Someone or something to take my mind off of my mind.
So as I wrote about previously, apparently I’m still in the throws of The Death Spiral. Again it rears its ugly head. How does it always find me? Gotta remember to disable that GPS tracker. No peace and serenity for you young miss!
This has been a particularly long and tough spiral to break free from.
Maybe that leftover pizza in the fridge will help me claw my way out of this funk. Then I’ll feel fat. (Yeah I know. Hey I’m a girl, all girls think these things.) Then again who’s seeing my naked body anyway? Being single and all. I’m not exactly the perennial one-night-stand-kinda girl. I mean, okay, maybe a couple of times but whatever, just being honest. I’m 46, it was bound to happen a time or two in all those years. Not my norm though.
I had a special see-you-naked-person a few years ago. Since then, let’s just say things in that arena have been about as smooth as a cobblestone street in Chestnut Hill.
Why do other people so quickly move on from one see-you-naked person to the next? Why can’t I? There have been a couple interests over the last few years, but for one reason or another they’ve all fallen by the wayside. What is the reason? What is the common denominator?
Just found the topic of this mess. (Wasn’t sure exactly what I was talking about when I started this. Just began with the spewings of my mind.)
The common denominator is me.
Common denominator. No this isn’t a 3rd grade math lesson. But when A + B keeps equaling D, you have to ask yourself why?
Why can’t I meet the right person?
Why do things with the seemingly right people always take a left turn?
Why do things keep going wrong? Relationships, jobs, friendships, burnt pizza in the oven.
Why?
Besides my less than stellar cooking skills, what’s the underlying factor that seems to be causing all these problems?
I’ve been using this “common denominator” term for many years but never really thought about it until now.
Some friends of mine keep getting into one failed relationship after another. Do they just keep picking the wrong guy/girl? Are they just erroneously hooking up with the same personality type that clearly doesn’t mesh with theirs? Do they just have bad luck?
What’s wrong here?
The ill-chosen suitors? Nope. It’s not the suitors, it’s the choosers.
You’re probably thinking that’s rude–what, there’s something wrong with your chooser friends? Well, my friends and I are a bunch of fucked up misfits but generally speaking no, there’s nothing wrong with them.
It’s not a question of wrong or right, it’s a question of the patterns we create. And guess what, when we repeat the same patterns, keep being our same selves, the same things will keep happening. Einstein anyone? You know what I’m saying.
So why don’t I have anyone at the moment to see me naked? Why are most of the people who have seen me naked not around anymore? (I’m sure you’re super interested to hear about my love life or lack thereof, but hey, it’s what’s on my mind right now.)
So things “just didn’t work out”? I hate that saying. So maddeningly vague.
I have poor taste in guys? Nope, not that either. (Well, maybe a couple regrettable times. Live and learn.) I have dated some truly great humans though.
So what is the underlying problem here as I sit alone on my couch debating whether or not to eat this leftover burnt pizza?
Guess I have to be honest about what I wrote in the first paragraph of this spiel. Guess I actually do know who I want to talk to. I don’t have an exact “who” but to be completely transparent with you and myself, I guess I just want someone who’s interested in me and me in them. To flirt with, be affectionate with, talk with.
Don’t we all want that?
Why are all my past “whos” gone? I’ll tell you why.
Took me a while to come to the self-esteem bashing conclusion that the common denominator in my failed relationships is me.
It’s true.
Not that I’m a bad person (at least I like to think not). But my past relationships haven’t succeeded because I have created a pattern. Not a pattern of picking the wrong person, but a pattern of my own sabotaging actions and dysfunctional behaviors with the right people.
My problem in a nutshell–I’m not open.
I’ve always been a closed off, walls up, you-need-a-jackhammer-to-get-through-to-me kinda person. Sad. True. My sister says I’m standoffish. She’s not wrong. Hard to hear the truth.
But I am standoffish. Stand off, back down and get away from me. Only the few with the state-of-the-art wrecking balls can get completely through. Quite a tall order. It used to be shyness.
Now it’s just fear. Fear of someone getting close. I’m sure there’s some psychobabble reasoning that can explain how I came to be this way but I won’t get into all that.
So what is the by-product of all this closed-off mess that is me? It pushes people away. People can only chip away at the wall for so long until their fingers start to bleed.
So what did I subconsciously do to keep these impenetrable walls intact and keep the threat of the jackhammers at bay? I developed a pattern. A pattern of choosing to have people in my life that needed my self-ascribed help.
Without even realizing I was doing it, I chose the downtrodden, the underdogs, the misunderstood–the lost puppies. Oh, you’ve had a dysfunctional childhood? You have a strained relationship with your family? You’re broke? Don’t have a job? Can’t hold a job? Don’t have a car let alone a license? Dropped out of high school? Have a substance abuse problem? You’re an outcast? A leper banished to a deserted island? Sign me up!
I thought I could help these people. Console them, nurture them, save them. Be their saviour when the rest of the world gave up and left them by the curb.
Lost Puppy Syndrome. That’s my pattern. My common denominator. It’s not them, it’s me.
Why did I do this? Because when you’re too busy “fixing” someone else, they don’t have time to pay attention to what’s behind the walls. I dated the ultimate diversions.
I thought I was doing a good thing. Not “doing” like on purpose. I didn’t interview people and make a graph of who was the most fucked up and then picked that person. I just naturally, unwittingly, gravitated towards these types of people.
I’d find myself interested in someone, only to find out weeks or months later that they were one of the Lost Puppies. Of course they were! Guess my mind’s eye could detect it before I even could.
It’s like my sister who has an eye for top of the line things. While shopping, she’ll just gravitate toward a pair of shoes, flip them over and magically the price tag reveals that they’re the most expensive ones in the store. Happens every time. She didn’t know that, she just naturally gravitated towards it.
Subconscious patterns. For her, it’s also good taste.
Now here is where I should say that I should stop doing this and find a cure for my Lost Puppy Syndrome. Stop the pattern. Fix the common denominator (me) so that I’m not eating this leftover pizza alone. Tough to do.
Somehow I think I’ll always be this way. I don’t think I’m ever going to date the guy that is the CEO of some Fortune 500 company who comes from a stable family, has his shit together and has no “issues” (sorry mom!). I know, we all have issues, but you know what I’m saying. Hey, I’m cool to be friends with “normal” guy, but I’ll probably never give up on those issuey people.
Never gonna stop trying to save the lost puppies. (Getting off an tangent here. Sorry, the theme of the underdog got me misdirected for a second.)
Back to the point–my pattern. So it seems I’m not willing to break the pattern. But I guess it’s an accomplishment to at least recognize it? Maybe? So when things start to go bad again I can at least understand what the problem is? It was never the lost puppies and their problems.
It was me.
See once their problems got “fixed” and I “saved” them, then the attention turned on me. Then it was my turn to face my own issues. And that shit ain’t cool. And what did I do?
I shut down. Pulled the power supply on the jackhammer and sent everyone home. Oh and I probably built a moat around the wall while everyone was sleeping just in case.
And then there ya go. Walls, moat, my inner self fortified. The relationship starts to go south, or more precisely, doesn’t go anywhere at all. It stalls. No problems to fix anymore. And the next step, me opening up, well, I just never let that happen.
The one time I actually did open up let’s just say that didn’t go the way I expected. It was basic psychology. I opened up, let the walls down and…*crickets*. Just call me one of Pavlov’s dogs. My action didn’t get a reward so I didn’t do it anymore. Walls back up. Guards on duty 24/7 now.
No wonder why I’m wishing I had someone to talk with tonight. I’m alone. I blame Dr. Pavlov. Just kidding, I really have no one to blame but myself. I’m not open.
Do you want to talk to someone who is so closed off? Doesn’t reveal their true self? Do you want a full-time job in wall demolition that never pays? Do you want your fingers to bleed?
No, nobody does. And of course I know that. The logical part of my brain knows that.
It’s the subconscious, illogical, self-preservation part that still doesn’t quite fully get it. That part needs to wake up. Need to set like 5 alarm clocks. Wake up! Listen! You’re the only one hurting yourself here! Be more open! Then maybe more people would stick around.
Maybe I’d be less afraid to stick around too.
I’m jealous of those couples who seem to just know each other inside and out. I’d like to be that. But I know why I’m not. I have a select few friends and a great mother and sister who I’m like that with, but that’s it. Why can’t I be that way with a potential partner?
I can’t break the pattern.
Or can I? Better get to work. I need to start my own jackhammer company.
What patterns and behaviors do you keep doing that keep giving you the same results? It’s not just relationships. It could also be your career.
I have a friend that is a perpetual job hopper. You know the type. Great person but seems like every time I see him he’s talking about a new job he’s starting. He’s probably had more jobs in a year than I’ve had in a lifetime.
There always seems to be something wrong with each new job–the pay, the coworkers, the location, the hours, the office vending machine doesn’t carry M&Ms. Time to quit and try something else.
The problem here isn’t these jobs and their lack of good break room snacks. And it’s not bad luck. Maybe he’s just an aimless drifter. Maybe he has a fear of commitment. Maybe he hasn’t found his calling in life. Maybe he is just really truly happy being a walking, endless first interview.
Whatever the case may be, the common denominator in his countless list of careers is himself. Hey, if he’s happy with this behavior, then more power to him. But if he’s not happy, then he needs to look within himself and figure out why.
Some don’t want to delve that deep. I get it. It’s easier to blame external factors. Our true selves are hard to see and often harder to accept. Hard to accept that we are the common denominator in our own unhappiness.
This concept can be applied to all facets of life. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones and have both a great relationship and a gratifying job, but somehow you still feel unfulfilled, unsatisfied, bored even.
Why is that?
Do you keep doing the same unfulfilling, unsatisfying, boring things? Have you tried a drastically new hobby? An unfathomable new routine? A new anything? Have you changed your pattern, your behavior?
Life is short. If you don’t like what’s happening, change it! Change it big or small, but at least try at all. (Hey, that rhymes!) It’s NEVER too late.
When things are perpetually going down a pothole-laden, one-way street to the town of Dissatisfaction we have to ask why and learn to change ourselves, our outlook.
We are the common denominator in our perceived misery and conversely, in our own contentment.
When life seems to always say “fuck you” do you blame the Universe? Is the entire unending expanse of stars and energy really against you? Yet another job you hate, another failed relationship, another bout of feeling unfulfilled – it’s not the Universe that’s the problem.
You and I are the problem.
We are the common denominator in where our life path takes us. Once we recognize that, then we can learn to save whatever fraction of life we have left, try and break bad patterns and create happiness.
We can learn to turn the minuses into pluses and make what’s left with the (hopefully large) remainder of our time here worthwhile.
Our efforts will pay in dividends and we can finally make A + B = C.
Maybe this was a math lesson after all.
CM
2/12/20
