So I decided I need to start writing again.
It’s been a busy, I mean busy last 6+ months. Work was insane but can’t complain about the money. My mind has not been on writing at all.
But since work is slowing down finally and I can’t watch The Office 300 more times (or can I) I need to write. Well, I also want to write, not just need to. You shouldn’t feel like you “need” to do a hobby.
I like writing but sometimes it’s too personal, dredges up things I don’t want to be dredged up, easier to ignore.
But that’s not healthy. That’s not growth. And what the fuck are we all here for if we aren’t growing and learning.
So what the fuck do I write about?
I could look through my past notes and find a topic. Don’t feel like doing that. I have a bunch of notes for different topics to write about on things I was feeling at the time, 6 months ago. But a lot has changed in the last 6 months.
For starters, I kissed a boy. I know right, big news! I’d divulge more but that’s left for journaling and not for public consumption until I die and someone decides to go through my laptop and read all that mess. Good luck with that.
So how did I get so lucky to have this new development pop up you ask? I think it’s because of the biggest change I’ve made lately – positive affirmations.
Positive affirmations have changed my life, well, my outlook on life at least, and with that, positive things have started to happen.
I positively affirm that I am not as deeply sad anymore. Who would have thought?
I think I’ll always have what I (and so-called professionals) have called low-grade depression. But maybe I actually don’t?
Maybe I just think too much. Maybe I’m just a thinker, not a pre-destined Eeyore. The way you think directly affects the energy you put out into the world. Have you ever noticed how your thoughts affect vibes you give off?
Yeah I think a lot of doom and gloom stuff like what does it all mean? Has the totality of my life to this point been purposeful enough? Have I lived enough? Loved enough?
Yeah, think about all that mind-bending, existential stuff long enough and you’re bound to let it get you down. Especially when the curve balls life throws at you are akin to an octopus throwing out the first pitch in a baseball game (pitches actually – he’d throw 8 balls at the same time duh).
All I’ve done is analyze these curve balls and let them depress me. Take my base of low energy and add in too much self-awareness and there you have – depression.
Well, my kind of depression. I’ve tried antidepressants in the past, eh, guess they helped. But I don’t think I have the kind of depression where your brain can’t produce enough dopamine. I think mine is self-induced and I’ve let it define me.
Why? Why did I do that? Coping mechanism? Some kind of weird mental safety net?
It was my definition of well, me. I sat in it like a warm bath and let it surround me, soothe me…become me. Ironic I know, how sadness can be soothing.
As people who know me know, I’ve always said I like sad songs, they make me happy. How can sadness make you happy? I dunno, but it did for me.
But guess what. I wasn’t happy.
I know that now because I’ve seen the other side.
I was too wrapped up in being brooding to see that there is another way to live. Now how the fuck did my eyes open to all this?
I think maybe divine intervention, the Universe, guardian angels, or whoever or whatever you believe in dropped a ton of bricks on my head one day and said “enough!” “Stop complaining!” “Stop brooding!”
I wasn’t listening before. I was too happy lazing in the warm waters of my sadness to hear or see anything else.
So this ton of bricks came in the form of positive affirmations. I know what you’re thinking. You’re like stop right there with this rah rah cheerleader existential positive affirmation bullshit. I know, believe me I know.
If you told me this shit even 6 months ago I’d have laughed in your face. Positive affirmations! Bah! What crazy train did you just get off of? (I live in North Wales so my whole town is a crazy train. Gotta work on pitching that reality show idea.)
Anyway, yeah, who the fuck says positive affirmations besides some scamming pseudo-inspirational-speaker-type sleazebag?
Well, I guess I do now. And they are fucking working.
Maybe I just think they’re working but that’s the whole point – thinking and changing my way of thinking. And who cares, if I think they’re working, then they’re working.
It’s like my acupuncture lady says – some of her clients say “well maybe these needles aren’t really working but I just think they are and that’s why the pain has gone away”. She says either way, who cares! Is your pain gone? Then what does it matter? But obviously she truly believes it works and so do I. One of the best decisions I ever made was to get acupuncture, for my body and my mind. She has helped ease my physical and mental pain but I needed to do more.
I still had that underlying core belief that I was a depressed person and though acupuncture helped alleviate that, it was still there. I had to do the rest of the work.
So one day, not any particular day, just one normal day, out of nowhere it came to me that the only thing I hadn’t tried in order to feel like an overall happier person was to change my way of thinking. Think happier and you’ll be happier. Couldn’t hurt.
My outlook on life had been the same for so long, no wonder why nothing in my life ever seemed to go right. I was looking at everything, my life, the things that have happened to me, my place in the world, my past, my future, ALL WRONG. I think I finally just got tired of feeling like my depressed, brooding, unapproachable self.
It’s no wonder I haven’t had a boyfriend in 5 years. I was giving out bad energy, and that’s what I was getting back, and probably have been for most of my adult life.
You get what you give.
So I chose to start giving myself positivity. Every change you want to make in your life starts with yourself, your true inner self.
Now that’s a scary place to go to for some. I sure know delving into the deepest parts of my inner psyche is scarier than the Blair Witch Project before anyone knew it was a scam. Oh, everyone knew it was a scam? Damn, okay, that was just me then. Anyway, that shit was scary.
So I already knew my mind was a scary place so how to go about going in there and changing things up, the 48 years worth of stuff? Well, gotta start somewhere and I’m not getting any younger.
So I did what any sane person would do, I googled that shit.
Just looked up some positive affirmations to say to myself daily (okay, maybe every other day but whatever), and I will tell you, it’s fucking working. To even my own shock and amazement this shit works.
You have to believe in it though. You have to keep saying these things over and over so that they sink it.
So instead of just saying arbitrary words I had to start really embracing the meaning behind the words and take it in, so I could in turn put those good vibes back out into the world. It’s not even necessarily such a deliberate putting back out into the world thing, but it kind of changes your aura, your energy that you unknowingly emit.
Ever look at a complete stranger and just get a bad feeling about them? Not a “they’re gonna kidnap you and chop you up into little pieces” feeling, but maybe a feeling like you can just tell that person is depressed, sad, angry, not nice, wants to be left alone. That’s their energy you’re sensing.
I know I was definitely giving off a morose/standoffish vibe for too long.
But you can’t just decide to give off a different vibe, it has to come from within. And positive affirmations do that by retraining your brain to think differently. It doesn’t happen immediately, it takes time for the messages to sink in and for you to believe them.
Now a lot of these statements you’re suppose to say to yourself had me admittedly laughing out loud at first. “I love myself”, “I’m a good person”, “today will be a great day”, “I will let stress roll off my back” – ha! One I find particularly funny is “I am terribly charismatic” – that one makes me chuckle. Like who says that stuff to themselves? Well, I started to. I’m still not down with the “terribly charismatic” statement but I’m learning to accept the other ones.
The most important one is telling yourself you love yourself. Sounded arrogant to me at first, but that was exactly my problem – I saw loving yourself as arrogance. That is not a healthy outlook.
You do have to love yourself first (or at least like yourself) before you can love anyone else, at least in a healthy way. No wonder why I’ve had so many failed relationships.
Another statement that really resonated with me is “the more love I give, the more I receive”. And receiving the love doesn’t come first. You have to do the giving first.
I wasn’t putting enough love out into the Universe. I was only reflecting my own pain and heartache out onto the world every single day and of course, what did I get back? Pain and heartache. Seems like such a fucking no-brainer now. Duh!!
Ever meet those people who seem to have a rain cloud over their head all the time? I worked with one such person for a long time. Everything in their life was one tragedy after another and everyday coming into work I would hear about some new devastation that had befallen them. What a life of drudgery! How sad for them.
Their outlook was that every thing that happened to them somehow had a negative undertone. This person could have won the lottery but would then complain about the taxes they’d have to pay on the winnings. Nothing was enjoyable because they didn’t see anything as enjoyable. Thus, “bad” things kept happening. It wasn’t the things/events/experiences that were the problem, it was this person’s outlook.
I didn’t think I had that problem, then I delved into the mess that is my mind and saw I was doing the same thing, maybe not to the total rain cloud degree, but I still was doing it.
I was the greatest obstacle to my own happiness. This whole fucking time.
Now bad shit is still gonna happen. Always does. But it doesn’t have to define you.
Another affirmation I like: “I am human, I am experiencing human emotions and I am allowed to feel them at the time, but the bad feelings are temporary.” It means yeah, you’re gonna have a bad day, week, month, but that doesn’t have to define who you are. Who was I before all the bad stuff? Man, gotta go way back to childhood for that.
But I was happy at one time. I want to get back to that.
Obviously, life is different as an adult, but am I really that different? I mean the core of who I am, is that sooooo different? Does the inner core of ourselves become soooo different as we age?
I say no. “I let the stress fall off me”. “I forgive myself for my wrongdoings”. “I accept myself for who I am”. “I am a good person”. “Love is all around me.” “The Universe brings me love everyday”. Yeah, these sound silly as I type them, but love isn’t silly. Love makes the world go round.
You may feel like you don’t have love but you do, it’s all around you everyday. You just have to open your eyes and really look, appreciate it, and know that you deserve it. But also know that love is within you. It is you.
So, on another note, I look for signs all the time. Big sign believer here. The Universe communicates with us all the time but we just don’t see the signs or we choose to ignore them or chalk them up to happenstance.
So the first week after I started saying these affirmations I won the football pool at my work. Now I’m not motivated by money (the winnings were nice of course), it’s just fun to play. But you tell me if that’s a coincidence that I won the pool the very week after I started saying this shit? Positivity out – positivity in.
Also, my underdog Detroit Lions won their first game of the year that week. I was happier for them than winning the pool. I wanted them to win so bad cause I always pull for the biggest underdog and what do you know, they fucking won. I remember being at the bar (shocking) watching the end of that game and the players were so happy it was like they won their own little Super Bowl. Skeptics will say “pure coincidence!”
I say, it’s a sign. A sign from the Universe that these positive affirmations are worth doing and I should stick with them. A few other positive things have come my way since but I won’t bore you with the details. Maybe later.
So far 2022 has started off pretty shitty – work is still a nightmare, everyone is getting Omicron and I’m still single.
But even with this shitty start to the year, I have faith that things will take a turn for the better.
On the bright side, my coworkers are coming together to get through being short staffed, I’m thankful no one I know has been hospitalized or worse with this latest bout of the plague, and I am surrounded by a supportive group of family and friends. I have people that care about me and I them.
I have love.
And I’m positive you do too.
CM
1/7/22
*Damn I didn’t even know what to write about when I started this and I just spewed out 4 pages. Whaddya know. Things really are looking up. Now time to edit. My money is on at least February by the time I get this posted. (Update, posting date is March 3rd. Eh, February, March, whatever. Procrastination strikes again.)
*wasn’t Affirmed the name of a horse? Random things that go through my mind.
