The other day my house was crying. Tears everywhere. Well, water was pouring out of my ceiling and streaming down the walls from a hole in my roof, but I called it tears. It’s fixed now but what a messy few days.
My house was acting like a Squonk. What’s a Squonk? Glad you asked.
It’s only the most famous of all Pennsylvania cryptids duh! What’s a cryptid? Also glad you asked. Well if you GTS (Google That Shit) you’ll see that a cryptid is an animal that has been claimed to exist but never proven to exist.
Every state has their own cryptid. New Jersey has the New Jersey Devil, Florida has the Skunk Ape and Pennsylvania has the Squonk. I love the Squonk, it’s my spirit animal.
The poor Squonk has sagging skin and is covered in warts and hates the way it looks therefore it cries all the time. It’s said if you touch a squonk it will dissolve into a puddle of tears. So sad. So fitting for the state I happen to live in – geographical and mental. April is fucking rainy as shit here in Pennsylvania people!
So my house is a Squonk. It’s said like finds like. I see that in the things that surround me which I feel are a reflection of me. I think it’s true for most people.
Like when people say you start to resemble your pets. I think your energy transfers somehow and is reflected back to you.
I’ve had a stressful last few weeks. Stomach issues and house crying among some other things which I won’t divulge at the moment. My stomach pain is a reflection of my inner pain. The leaking water of my house a reflection of my own tears.
My car is even a reflection of myself – dented and falling apart and maybe not the prettiest, but somehow it keeps on trucking. It’s loyal. I like to think I am. Some ex-boyfriends would disagree. Hey, I’m not perfect.
Even my houseplants are like me. They were dying. Yeah they’re orchids and supposedly hard to keep alive but they were doing well for 3 years and then in the last 3 months they kind of gave up.
But guess what, I repotted them in their original pots and they’re coming back. They didn’t like change. Me either. I can totally vibe with the orchids.
Don’t get me wrong, change is good, but not staying true to yourself isn’t.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last few months and through this latest bout of squonkiness. As much as I’ve tried to change some behaviors to be a “better” person, I realized I was doing that because I wasn’t happy with my inner self. Turns out, I should be happy with who I am. Who knew?
Yeah some change is good – try to be healthier, try to have less than 114 drinks per month, try to be more productive. But the person I am on the inside didn’t need to change at all. And neither should anyone else. Be who are. If someone doesn’t like it, fuck em.
You should never have to change who you are for anyone. And you shouldn’t expect someone else to change for you either. You can’t change a person’s core. “I wish this person was more this way or that”. Wish all you want, not gonna happen.
I realized I just needed to get back to me more and stop being so afraid to show it. It’s more comfortable that way anyway and it’s also how you create stronger relationships. Me did more, socialized more, hiked more, got my lazy butt up and went to yoga more. Me joked more, laughed more, wrote more. Me connected more. Hell the most me thing about me is this mess of a blog.
I used to say to myself that I was happier when I was miserable. One of the weird things I say. I’m not even 100% sure what I mean by that. Anyway, I’m pleased to report that I’m getting back to being miserable. 
Just kidding. But just as my house is now repaired and happier, so am I. Happier than I’ve been in a long while.
So what makes you you? Have you ever thought about who your inner you really is, minus all the surface bullshit?
Your job isn’t you, the facade you put on in front of family you only see once a year while eating Easter ham no one wants isn’t you. (Really, does anyone even like ham? Like ham steak? “I’m so hungry right now I could really go for a ham steak”, said no one ever.)
Ever think about this shit? I do all the time. Ruminating is me. Analyzing is me. Non-logical is me. Passionate is me (get your mind out of the gutter).
Scarred is also me.
“Your mirror is broken, yes I know. I like it that way, makes me look like the way I feel” – Shirley MacLaine in The Apartment.
Great movie by the way. Broken is also me, my heart at least. But that’s okay. Really it is.
The only way to ever work through something is to first accept it. I keep this quote on my fridge to remind me of just that:
“In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are, and in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them we wouldn’t be the person we are. So just live, make mistakes, have wonderful memories. But never ever second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly, where it is you’re going.”
So in all this recent squonkiness I’m trying to really embrace that quote and regain some inner happiness.
You get what you give.
If you give off happiness and give of your true inner self then you will get happiness and others’ true selves back in return. And those are the best relationships, where you can feel free to be yourself, mess and all.
Are your relationships like that? Do you feel you give enough of yourself? Open up enough? Get enough of that in return? Scary shit I know, but something to think about.
So I’ll start by giving more of myself right now and sit here in my newly repaired house and write. And of course just as I said that, I knocked my orchid over. 
Me is also very clumsy.
But like our friend the Squonk, if I’m not here writing and you can’t find me, I’m not far. Just follow my trail of tears…happy tears.
CM
4/18/22
