It’s recently been brought to my attention that I’m a hopeless romantic. Shocking right?
Why do they call it hopeless? Less hope? Or even lesser than less, none? No hope at all as in, never gonna happen? As in, you my friend are fucked? None as in, no you stupid fuck that shit’s only in the movies?
As much hope as we have or don’t have I think there is one thing we all still hope for, even if we don’t want to admit it – romance.
I never realized why I like old romantic black and white movies so much. I thought maybe because I’m reincarnated from a time long ago. Or maybe it’s really because they speak to something inside of me that my soul is longing for.
But is this romanticism really that impossible? I say no. No because I have actually experienced it, in this lifetime. There is no greater drug.
Your heart feels stirred, you can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t think (logically anyway), can’t not look in the direction of that special someone, can’t not cry happy tears.
Yeah, I’ve lived that. That shit isn’t just in the movies.
The ending though, “fairy tale” that is, yeah still waiting for that part. My mom’s had it, I’ve seen it happen to others. It is possible.
So I guess I’ve been exposed. Underneath my heart of ice I’m a hopeless romantic.
Aren’t all hopeless romantics sad people I guess? Forever searching for the one thing they never seem to have, that timing never seems to be on their side for, that is so elusive and rare?
That once found is like grabbing on to a handful of air.
When I come across it, which is hardly ever, I say “I want to throw up” in a good way. Like you’re so happy and nervous and excited and have all these wonderful emotions swirling around in you at the same time that you just don’t know what else to do but AHHHH!!!!…throw up.
If I see same side sitters at work or nice romantic gestures between two people I say “ugh” on the outside, but it’s just hiding my jealousy on the inside. Deep down I want that.
I want romantic, passionate, swooning, catching yourself smiling while doing mundane tasks cause you’re thinking of someone. I want having to snap yourself back down to earth because your head is stuck in the glorious clouds. I want fanning your face with your hand while thinking of the seemingly unattainable awesomeness.
Maybe my standards are too high.
But are they?
I don’t think so because I’ve experienced those feelings, they are real. Maybe few and far between but they are real. Like any drug you just want more and more and more. Too much of a good thing? Never.
When you find a good thing, hold on to it, this life is too short not to.
Looking back on my past relationships and remembering the special ones, they all had one thing in common, they were with other hopeless romantics (okay my phone just corrected “romantic” to “tomatoes” – funny. Sorry, writing this at 6 am).
Through all the pain at least now I realize what I’m looking for and know what I want in another relationship if I get lucky enough to have one. If not, I’m okay being alone. Better to have loved and lost and all that.
Even with all the pain I’d put my heart on the line all over again. The risk is worth it. It’s the most worth it thing there is.
I’ve met people who I think have never experienced that kind of love. We’ll call them Roys. The Roys of the world – I feel bad for them. They have no idea what they’re missing.
Or maybe ignorance is bliss? They’re not terminally pained?
I’d rather be pained though than feel nothing. “The opposite of love is indifference” – The Lumineers.
I’ve felt indifferent.
I’ve also felt the grip of my heart being ripped out like Bart Simpson’s – “you won’t be needing this”.
I’ve also felt love so much that it epically hurts.
I’m lucky to have experienced it all.
Why do I hide the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic? Shy? Afraid to show my true self? Afraid it’s some kind of sign of weakness? Afraid because I’ve been burned so many times I don’t want to seem *gasp…vulnerable?
But that’s how you cultivate intimacy through sharing and vulnerability. Have you ever been truly intimate with anyone? Have I?
I’m not sure now that I think about it. Trying to change that.
I’ve been hurt more times than is fair for anyone in one lifetime. I know, “woe is me”.
But I don’t regret any of it. Not one fucking bit.
This is my path and I’d go on the same path all over again. I took risks on love, yeah they haven’t ultimately worked out so far and I’ve gotten scraped, battered and bruised along the way, but at least I don’t look back and say “I regret not trying”. The scars are worth it.
When faced with the decision of whether to do something, anything really, to jump off that ledge or not, I ask myself, “would I regret more doing it, or not doing it”? Then the answer is easy.
When it comes to love, I jump.
I’ve never regretted the jumping.
I’ve only regretted the times I didn’t.
But those were times long ago. I’ve learned to be a lot jumpier the older I’ve gotten.
And you know who taught me to jump? Fucking Tony Danza. That wise mother fucker. Yep, I call it the Tony Danza Principle.
In one episode of Who’s the Boss (sitcom from the 80s for those of you who live under a rock), Angela told Tony how her boyfriend proposed to her and she said she had to think about it. Tony said “Annngelaaaa!! that’s not something you should have to think about! You should just want to jump into their arms and say yes.”
I want to live by this principle. I want to Tony Danza the shit out of someone.
When you find yourself wanting to do that, don’t look now, but you’ve actually gotten a hold of a handful of the rarest air on earth.
Do you consider yourself a hopeless romantic? A jumper?
I never really did until recently. I guess I always have been and didn’t realize it. Eye opening revelations here, truly.
It’s not a right or wrong thing, it’s okay if you’re not. And it’s okay if you are.
Guess I was afraid to admit to myself that that’s who I am, and what I’m looking for in someone else.
So from now on I’ll try to embrace who I am and never give up on finding that handful of air that doesn’t slip through my fingers.
I’ll never give up on being a proud hopeless tomato.
“Never ever ever give up.” – Michael Scott*
*Okay you people have to start watching The Office or you’re never gonna get my references
CM
5/4/23
