If you’re currently in the midst of dealing with the pain of being wronged by someone, this phrase might come to mind. Maybe a friend stood you up, your boss passed you up for a raise, a family member let you down, or your significant other cheated on you. All quite unfortunate.
But if you have been life-changingly, soul-crushingly, slashed-to-your-core wronged, then might I suggest this phrase instead: “fuck you and fuck off”.
Yeah, I like that better.
You’ve heard people say “I can forgive, but I can’t forget.” Good for them. But what if you can’t do either?
Sometimes demons dressed as humans enter your life and cause you such unimaginable pain that forgiving and forgetting doesn’t cut it.
Have you ever seen one of those documentaries where a person’s loved one is murdered and during the sentencing the victim’s family gives impact statements where they forgive the murderer? They actually say “I forgive you”. That is some shit. More power to them, I don’t know if I could do that.
No matter how much time has passed or repent shown, some things are absolutely unforgivable.
I will never ever forgive the demon who wronged me. He didn’t kill anyone (that I know of), but he did try to destroy me through manipulation, intimidation and brain-washing. His emotional, physical and verbal abuse slowly broke down the very essence of who I was into a pile of rubble formerly known as…me.
But somehow, some way, I summoned the strength to say fuck you and I left that narcissistic, sociopathic, worst excuse for a conglomeration of cells that I have ever encountered. And I cemented myself back together again.
But I’ve run dry on forgiveness. And my resultant decades of anxiety and PTSD have made it all too difficult to ever forget.
For the most part I have actively tried to not think of that darkest time of my life and just live in the light of the present. But recently, this fucking douchebag tried to contact me on social media. That “block” button might as well have been labeled “fuck you, who the fuck do you think you’re dealing with?”
Yeah, seeing this person pop up again angered and honestly astonished me. The fucking gall of narcissists never ceases to amaze.
I hate that I’m even writing about him now. He doesn’t even deserve to take up one millisecond of my thoughts. I wish these thoughts could be gone, poof, like Keyser Söze.
Hmm…some unresolved anger issues here? Surely. But brushing this latest emergence under the carpet only to let the emotions run rampant and unchecked would only give him the one-up. I won’t let this fester and I won’t hide it, hence why I’m sharing it with you.
I have the power now.
They say forgiveness is more for yourself than the person who wronged you, that it will help you find peace. Yeah, yeah, I get that, but my peace is knowing that I don’t have to do what “they” think I should.
The power to do what I want is my peace.
Despite what the general consensus believes, I’ve come to realize that forgiving those who have wronged you isn’t always necessary or warranted. They may not even deserve your forgiveness.
But you deserve to forgive yourself.
For many years I blamed myself for being taken advantage of, blamed myself for being a doormat, blamed myself for letting myself be terrorized.
But I actually wasn’t a doormat and I didn’t let those things happen.
I was prey to a predator.
And it was not my fault. (Cue the scene in Good Will Hunting)
Took me a long time to see that. A long time to see that I had no control over those horrible things that happened to me.
It took me a long time to forgive myself.
And what I won’t forget now is how I found the might to overcome the shadowy monster and emerge from the darkness. Can’t stop my shine mother fucker.
Inner-strength and self-forgiveness are my peace.
A mental “fuck you and fuck off” doesn’t hurt either.
So if you’re struggling to forgive someone who has wronged you, ask yourself, do you really even need to forgive them at all?
The real important question is, do you forgive yourself?
❤️
CM
1/4/24
