If you don’t like mayonnaise at all, then thanks for reading. Have a nice day. By the way, what the fuck are you putting on a tuna fish sandwich then (besides Doritos which you should be doing already).
Your adventure is over. If you like mayonnaise, go to page 2.
Page 2
There are really only three mayonnaise options: Hellman’s, Kraft and Miracle Whip. Let’s start with Miracle Whip. If you like Miracle Whip, go to page 3, if not skip to page 4.
Page 3
What the fuck is wrong with you? Who in their right mind likes Miracle Whip? It’s not even called mayonnaise, it’s called “salad dressing”. I like sugar just as much as the next person but I haven’t had a total break with reality (yet) so I do not like the sweet mayonnaise fraud that is Miracle Whip.
I have a friend who’s sanity is obviously questionable – he likes Miracle Whip. Taunts me with it every Thanksgiving by offering me leftover turkey sandwiches with Miracle Whip on them. I feel like Superman being offered kryptonite. I’ve been friends with this person since before I knew he was a Miracle Whipper so he’s grandfathered in. He thinks it’s delicious.
As he says, they don’t call it Disappointment Whip. (Petition to officially change the name Miracle Whip to Disappointment Whip will be posted later.)
As for the two sane mayonnaise choices left, if you like Kraft, go to page 4, for Hellman’s go to page 5.
Page 4
Kraft Mayo. “Mayo” – they don’t even put the whole word “mayonnaise” on their jars. Another fraud. I’m going to assume if you’re buying Kraft, it’s only because you must be shopping at a Wal-Mart in East Bumblefuck that doesn’t carry the only real mayonnaise option. For that, go to Page 5.
Page 5
And now we arrive at the only logical, sane, correct choice of mayonnaise, Hellman’s Real Mayonnaise. “Real” – it says so on the label. Hellman’s keeping it real 
. I hate that emoji. Someone please remove this emoji from our lexicon. I”ll post another petition for that which you can sign while you’re looking up the definition of lexicon. Thank you.
And while I’m at it, besides Miracle Whip ruining people’s idea of mayonnaise, Meatloaf ruined one of America’s greatest foods. I can’t take credit for that line, thanks to another friend for that one.
So thanks for going on this mayonnaise adventure with me. Stay tuned for another edition of Choose Your Own Adventure – The Condiment Series.
Sweet pickle relish just popped in my head. Don’t even have words for that one.
CM
9/12/22
