This saying just popped into my head tonight. How fitting as today is a giant symbol of freedom, July 4th. I think some historical guy said “at what price freedom?” I wonder if he was single.
I was talking with another single co-worker today (yeah I had to fucking work today, a holiday!) about, well, being single.
We were both extolling the awesomeness of our Amelia Earhartesque lifestyle: no one to question our every move, no one to have to clear things with first, no one to have to conference with before every decision like “what do you want for dinner” or “what movie do you want to watch”.
We can do whatever we want, whenever we want. We can stay out til all fucks o’clock without coming home to a spotlit interrogation ala “where where you on the night of July 4th?!”
We free single people make decisions all on our own, and then we just do. It’s fucking great.
Until the times that it isn’t.
Sometimes, we miss the collaboration.
We have human interaction of course, even affection and attention from others, but just not from the one. We don’t have a the one.
We are the only one, either by choice or default.
The weightier lonely times are the price of freedom. I try to remind myself of that sacrifice when the solitude seems to twang the somber chord a little harder.
Holidays kinda do it, even July 4th, which is seemingly innocuous. Not like it’s Hallmark Valentine’s day for God’s sake. On those days I’m glad I’m single.
Am I?
Freedom will cost you, but so do the chains of settling. My price is coming home to an empty house.
I could say I’m choosing the single life but that’s a bit of a lie.
I’ve just chosen to hold out for the deluxe package. “It would take one hell of a [partner] to beat no [partner] at all.” – Cormac McCarthy (ha no relation, that I know of)
Too fantastical? A deluxe package? Maybe I live in a dream world.
I am a dreamer, my head stuck in the clouds more often than stuck in the here and now. Maybe what I want though isn’t a dream but is actually real and I just haven’t been blessed with it yet.
Maybe I’m too stubborn to accept anything less.
Maybe I’m crazy? Don’t answer that!
Maybe it hasn’t been the right time yet. Timing is everything.
Some single people may have experienced the everything of timing, met the love of their lives, and yet, things just didn’t work out. “Just didn’t work out” – I hate that line. Like c’mon, there’s a reason you’re not together! “Just didn’t work out “ – so fucking vague and annoying.
Some maybe haven’t met the love of their life yet at all. Not even close.
Sometimes the one could be someone you already know but aren’t with with. Unrequited love is such a bitch. So close, yet so far away.
Even if you feel ready to have them closer, the Universe has other ideas. It knows you have some growing up to do first. Maybe your one has some growing up to do also.
So here I sit alone in my singlehood on July 4th watching a murdery Lifetime movie (“You sound like a Lifetime movie. A happy one, not one of the murder ones” – Colin Quinn in Trainwreck.) Yeah I got accidentally sucked into that romcom one day, so what? I remember that line made me laugh.
I think of people out at parties right now, having fun, snuggling with their one while watching fireworks and yeah, I’m all in the feels of loneliness tonight.
I’m not drunk enough here on my couch to cry…yet. Give me a few more drinks and I’ll be stumbling around my house looking for that box of tissues I paid full price for at CVS.
The loneliness doesn’t make me lose faith though. I feel the Universe knows what’s best for me, at this moment in time. Things can change at the drop of hat (why that’s a saying I have no idea). As I’ve said, everything changes, sometimes slowly, sometimes in a flash. The excitement and/or the angst of change is part of life.
So even though I’m spared a full out Yalta Conference with another human being about wanting to watch this murdery Lifetime movie tonight, now-me wishes I at least had the option.
Such is not to be on July 4, 2023 at 9:29 p.m.
As for the growing up thing, you’ll be shocked (or not) to know after my 3 years of jokes on this blog, that I actually have an appointment tomorrow with a therapist. Joke’s on me that all my jokes weren’t jokes after all. Time to sort out the mess swirling in my head. This should be good. Can’t wait to see what cataclysmic psychological surprises are revealed.
Stay tuned.
In the meantime, now hearing the sound of fireworks in the distance, I think of the freedom I have in my aloneness. I’m thankful for the freedom I’ve embraced, but I wonder who will be that special person to come along and loosen my grip?
Loosen and change, not sacrifice or give up, because the one shouldn’t make you feel like you’re sacrificing or giving up anything.
They should make you feel like they are everything.
❤️
CM
7/4/23
