Why did it take me over four years since writing Procrastination-Part II to write a part III? Well, just look at the title.
As I said in Part II oh so many years ago, I learned that procrastinators aren’t lazy, we just have problems focusing on the task at hand and instead will avoid it by replacing it with a million other little tasks.
Great, the little things get done but that big thing I wanted to do is still looming over my head like Wile E. Coyote’s precariously placed anvil on a ledge. I feel like a failure waiting for the sky to fall. Who cares if I cleaned the entire house? I still didn’t make that appointment to get my car inspected.
Resulting message to myself: “I’m a loser with a clean house and dirty car oil.”
Congratulations, you suck at life.
And every week this message repeats over and over and over again. It’s like a Mad Libs of bad self esteem.
I didn’t do __________ so I’m a worthless piece of ____________. I’m a giant waste of space because __________.
For that last blank my tendency is to enter “I don’t do enough.”
“Enough.” Such a weird word now that I look at it. What is enough? I don’t know exactly, but I always feel like I’m not doing it.
Why? Why do I say to myself I’m not doing this arbitrary amount called “enough”? I can’t even tell you what “enough” is. How can you possibly begin to accomplish something when you don’t even have any idea of what it is you’re looking to accomplish?
Apparently, I accomplish setting myself up for failure, especially on my days off. When my four days in a row of 12 hour shifts are done, I blissfully collapse onto my couch like those commercials where someone is falling onto a bed of clouds while eating a chocolate or hugging a dryer sheet.
Then I think, okay so what needs to be done on my days off?
Then the mental list starts. The basics of course, grocery shopping, writing that rent check, cleaning (always cleaning) , running 712 errands, etc, etc, etc. All that doesn’t take 3 full days though. So what else am I going to do?
I know, I’ll write of course. I spent months figuring out how to build this website from scratch so I might as well contribute to it. And “from scratch” I mean that I was like a chicken learning how to make a website.
Chickens probably have more technological savvy than I do.
Photo by 铮 夏 on Unsplash
But I did it.
But how? How did I not procrastinate creating a website but then procrastinated doing the actual content that goes into it? I did the technical part. The emotional meat of it though, geez, my bathroom is suddenly looking real dirty.
I’m an emotion avoider. The behind-the-scenes of building a website, no problem. I treated it like a puzzle. I love puzzles. But the emotional essays I want to tackle? Pssh, I have 712 other things that seemingly need my attention first.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve raced to clean out my refrigerator when I became too emotionally overwhelmed with a writing. My friend affectionately calls that “rage cleaning”. When the subject touches parts too deep and too raw, it’s easier to flee the scene and go scrub the shower.
No emotions in soap scum.
Rage cleaning is better than violent outbursts or a spiraling drug addiction I suppose.
Either way you look at a clean toilet, it’s all avoidance.
A lot of avoiders are passive aggressive. I think my first book should be titled “Passive Aggressiveness for Dummies”. I am an expert after all.
I’m passive aggressive because I have all these feelings bottled up and when something triggers me (sorry, hate that word trigger), I displace those emotions onto other things and other people so as to avoid them directly. Less direct = less emotion, so I’ve wrongly come to learn.
Why can’t I just get shit done and tell people what I feel like a normal person instead of doing the complete opposite and avoiding everything and everyone?
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Because it’s basic psychology (and physiology)–you avoid things that are painful. Did you ever touch a hot stove again after the first time when 3-year-old-you thought it would be a good idea? No you didn’t. Emotions are my hot stove.
Being taught to suppress your feelings doesn’t help either. Say how I feel? Ha! Are you crazy? No way! I’ve gotten burned with “keep your chin up”, “you’re fine” or “rub some dirt on it”.
Oh the angst of a Gen Xer born to baby boomer parents. Emotions are as alien to us as the iPhone 172, or whatever number it’s up to now.
Truth be told, all iPhones are alien to me. Android users unite! The few and the proud we are.
But emotions need an outlet of some kind. My outlet used to be drinking and partying six days a week. Now it’s only five days. Just kidding. Housework seems to have replaced dancing on the bar. Mostly. 😉
But in avoiding emotions through partying or housework, I’ve also avoided some of the basics of human experience.
I started this whole fucking blog to teach people how not to be robotic sheep yet here I am being one myself. Procrastinating, numbing, keeping things on an even emotionless keel.
Photo by Florian Krumm on Unsplash
I’m such a hypocrite.
As I’ve always said, I think I give good advice, but I don’t always follow it.
I finally took someone else’s advice to help stop this exhausting cycle of procrastination. That is to take the big daunting task and break it down into smaller parts. So instead of writing a 500 page novel today, maybe I’ll just write for 30 minutes and see what happens.
And most importantly, not beat myself up for it.
I am happy to report that the advice is helping. I’m writing this to you now aren’t I? I still have bad extra procrastinatory (haha that’s not a word, but it should be) days, but I’m trying.
I get more shit done while not getting shit done than anyone.
So rage cleaning is good for something.
And at the very least, I have the cleanest bathroom on the block.
Go me.
❤️
CM
