I came across this meme the other day:
Yeah, I had to stop for a second too. Wow.
You never know when anything you do with anyone will be the last time. The last time you play on the street with them, eat dinner together, argue about what to have for dinner or just hang out with each other and smoke cigs (hopefully not at the age of the kids in this pic.)
You never know when the last time will be that you share a laugh, a smile or a tear.
You never know when the last hello to them will be.
Or the last goodbye.
But that’s the uncertainty of life. You just never fucking know. Would you want to know anyway? Maybe, maybe not. I don’t think I’d want to know because then I’d act differently, feel weird, be weird (well, weirder than normal). Then the other person would feel weird, then it would all be weird, like Henry Hill’s last night at the bar before he goes to prison. “Now take me to jail.”
We had a going away party years ago for my sister and her then boyfriend when they were moving to Colorado. Everyone of course felt sad that they were leaving but happy for them for starting a new adventure. People might have even felt a little weird like, “what will life be like here in Pennsylvania now without these two people around” and “when will I ever see them again”?
I didn’t really feel that though. Yeah, I knew it would suck not having my sister living in the next town over
anymore, but I also knew I was going to see her again and soon. Hell, I went to visit her a month after she moved. I don’t think I gave her time to unpack her bags before I showed up on her Colorado doorstep.
I remember seeing other people at my sister’s party that I hadn’t seen in a minute. I heard a lot of “we need to get together more.” I’m sure I probably said it myself.
What a polite line of fallacy.
We all say this lie. We don’t mean to lie with “we need to get together more.”
But yet we do.
You give that quick pat on the back half-hug, mention how nice it was to see them and promise to stay in touch with a hopeful “I’ll call you.”
Or maybe you just Irish Goodbye it the fuck out of there and sneak out the back door past all the excommunicated smokers because you don’t want to get stuck in thirty minutes of farewell pleasantries.
It’s no one’s fault that you never get together. Life gets in the way. But at least you know in the back of your mind that you could see them again if you really wanted to, could make those planning details, could clear your schedule, could take that deserved day off.
You could, if you took the time.
You take for granted that after you say goodbye, there will be future times.
But then sometimes, there aren’t any more times.
Time runs out.
What would you have done or said differently at that last meeting had you known it was to be the last?
What would you have done or said differently throughout the entirety of the relationship?
We could go through life worrying and stressing every single time we hang out with loved ones that it might be the last. That’s a bit doomsdayish though. And also way too emotionally taxing. I should know, I think about death all the time. It takes a lot out of you.
But maybe instead of catastrophizing, we can simply learn to appreciate the people in our lives more. Appreciate life more. Even if we just go home after our polite “see ya next time” waves and say a heartfelt “thank you” to the Universe for the time we just had with the people we love.
That’s appreciation.
But shouldn’t you live each day like it’s your last as some say?
Appreciation of a regular, normal, wonderful day is great and all, but living like each day is your last?
C’mon, who really does that?
If today or tomorrow is my last day then I’m getting on a plane to Paris right now, Sunday night. First though, I’m grabbing my mom, my bff and detouring to Denver to grab my sis, then off we’ll go. Fuck off work and obligations!
I get the sentiment behind this hokey saying though.
I used to say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Then I turned 50 and now I’m tired when I wake up, tired during the day and tired while I’m sleeping. So tired of being tired.
And you also get tired of going to funerals. Tired of having an ever-growing rolodex of people you’ve said your last goodbye to.
When my one friend turned 50 I remember him saying “the problem with getting older is that everyone starts dying.” Sad but true. But that just means that you’re one of the lucky ones who is still here.
I am immensely thankful. Thankful to be one still here to say goodbyes.
I didn’t mean to write something so somber today. Didn’t mean to write this at all really, just where my head went today. Maybe it’s the time of year. Maybe it’s because I just now heard Jeff Buckley’s song “The Last Goodbye” as the outgoing song to a commercial on a football game I’m watching. An odd song to use during a football game I thought. But I do love that song.
I love it because it’s sad. The lyrics rip your heart out worse than Bart Simpson’s girlfriend:
From the episode “New Kid on the Block” – The Simpsons, Matt Groening
Here’s the lyrics if you’re in the mood to bawl your eyes out:
This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it’s over
Just hear this and then I’ll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you’ll ever know
This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can’t we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe its just because I didn’t know you at all
Kiss me, please, kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, not consolation
Oh, you know it makes me so angry
‘Cause I know that in time, I’ll only make you cry
This is our last goodbye
Oh, oh, oh, ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ih, ih, ih, ah
Did you say, “no, this can’t happen to me”
Did you rush to the phone to call
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying, “maybe you didn’t know him at all”
You didn’t know him at all, oh oh, you didn’t know
Ooh, didn’t know
Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes
And the memories offer signs that it’s over, oh-oh
It’s over
-Jeff Buckley
Sad things make me happy. (*as I wipe the tears from my eyes from just reading these lyrics)
Wrap your head around that one.
Me and another friend used to call Sundays “Sad Song Sundays”. We used to love playing depressing shit on the jukebox at our local bar. It freaked out a lot of the customers – “who the fuck played this depressing shit?”
We did! (*hands proudly raised in the air) My friend would say “any requests?” He’d play a song for me and I for him. Sometimes you had to wait awhile until the songs ahead in line played, but once one of ours came on we’d look at each other and just know. No one else in this macho, beer drinking, football-watching Sunday crowd played these tunes. It was our little homage to each other.
I’ve said goodbye to my friend a million times leaving the bar after a Sad Song Sunday not ever thinking it might be our last. To date, thankfully it hasn’t been. Even if we knew it was, I don’t think it would change anything. Just hanging out, laughing, playing music, appreciating each other’s company.
That’s all you can do. Appreciate the simple things–a song, a laugh, a shared joke.
Joke is on all of us though if we don’t take time to appreciate the little things in life that make our worlds’ go round.
We all can’t jump on a plane to Paris on a whim, but we can take two seconds to say thank you to the Universe for the moments, the memories, the people we do have.
So thank you to all my family and friends for just being you.
Here’s to many more goodbyes.
❤️
CM
