Watching Bohemian Rhapsody tonight, again. It’s a movie about the band Queen for those living under a rock. The lead singer, Freddy Mercury, died in 1991 at 45 years old. 45 fucking years old. From a disease that has since been cured! That pisses me off. No one’s fault, just pisses me off.
I had to watch the movie again because I turned it off the first time *spoiler alert* at the part where he finds out he has AIDS. It was too sad. So this time I said I’ll see it through, and I’m so glad I did because I got to see the re-enactment of Queen’s Live Aid performance. I remember Live Aid, big fucking deal then, like HUGE deal. I wasn’t a Queen fan, I was only 12 in 1985, but I remember watching them. “Who’s that weird guy with the mustache?”
Oh 12 year old me, I didn’t know shit. Does any 12 year old?
Weird? Yeah, I guess Freddy Mercury was weird by 1985 standards. But weird is fucking amazing.
Sure fucking is.
If weird means you go on your own path, express yourself no matter what anyone thinks, live your life with reckless abandon, be unapologetically you, then I applaud weird all fucking day.
It’s Freddy Mercury’s inner struggle that really strikes a chord with me. I feel for this man. My tears today say as much. (A friend recently asked “when was the last time I cried?” Answer now: today. Bawled my fucking eyes out).
Besides the obvious, he was gay, at a time when that wasn’t as accepted as it is today (shoulda been though, let people live their lives people!), it’s who he seemed to be as a soul that haunts me. He was innovative, misunderstood, different, expressive, lonely, complex. The story of his life touched me. Most people like that are generally classified by the masses as weird. I feel for these kind of people. I admire these kind of people. I relate to these kind of people.
I mostly admire these people because they have managed to fend off the affliction that affects the masses:
FEAR.
Freddy Mercury wasn’t afraid to express himself. He mixed opera into his rock songs for god’s sake. Who does that? He wasn’t afraid to pursue his dreams, passion, and purpose. He said he was a performer and that was his purpose. He’s one of those people that wasn’t just afraid to follow a different path.
He was a creator of paths.
But his uniquely crafted path seems to have been forged by one who is a tortured soul, as most path creators are I feel. So much inner conflict, so much passion, so much pain, so much empathy, so much caring…so many walls.
He had so much to share with the world, so much the world needed and still needs to hear. He was so brazen to say it all on stage and through song, yet so timid to really let anyone in to see his true, inner soul.
I get you Freddy, I really do, one timid, tortured soul to another.
As they say (whoever they are) only the good die young. That is the saddest yet truest statement ever. Not to say that people who live to be 100 aren’t good people, but the brightest of the bright stars sadly don’t shine for long.
My boyfriend’s mother told me that. He died at 34. So yeah, it’s a thing.
45. Man, if you live to be 100 that’s not even half your life. But some stars accomplish what they need to in a short time, then they burn out. I think what if I died at Freddy Mercury’s age? What if I died at 45? 4 years ago? What have I learned in the 4 more human years I’ve been gifted that Freddy Mercury wasn’t?
Quite a fucking lot.
I learned vulnerability and openness this past year (something brand new for me). I learned to better appreciate the sacrifice of others (a friend taking a day off work to go with me to the doctor when he didn’t have to). I learned the endurance of foundational friends, those who’ll you never not know, no matter time or place. I further learned the appreciation of the foundation of family, however you decide to define family. And I very recently, the other day in fact, learned to express myself.
I also learned I’m lucky to still be here. A lot of people don’t get to live this long. I clearly still have a lot of shit to learn, a lot of shit to do. I guess Freddy Mercury learned and completed all that the Universe wanted for him. And it all happened to be accomplished by the age of 45.
At 49 I’m not done yet. My star needs a little more fuel. That fuel is experience, the good and the bad, the exhilarating and the heartwrenching.
What if you died 4 years ago? What would you have done differently or not? What if you knew for sure you were given at least, or most, 4 more years? What would you do?
As a friend pointed out to me just the other night, as Budda says, “the trouble is, we think we have time”.
I’m sure Freddy would agree.
So be weird, be innovative, be different, be your purpose, your dreams, be you, all of you. Not the you quashed by societal norms, pushed down by self-doubt, handcuffed by “buts” you.
Be the fearless you.
Life as if you don’t have time.
Freddy Mercury the shit out of life.
❤️
CM
4/20/23
